INTIMACY

The Parts of Myself No One Else Can Hold

Every morning in meditation, I ask my womb (hara for men) what she desires to create. I do this because it is easy for our egos to take over. The minute we are aware of a desire, the mind, as the problem solver that it is, attempts to solve the problem. But Creation is not a problem.

It’s a process. A journey.

It is the actual adventure of life itself. When I, instead, ask my womb what she desires, I am privy to the energy of desire in the here and now. Not what my mind believes we need to create or focus on, but what is organically and authentically available to me.

It’s always astonishing what she says. And yet, it is never out of field. She circles through the same things most of the time. Sometimes, slightly different flavors like preline ice cream instead of straight vanilla. But it’s ice cream just the same.

This morning, she told me that she desired intimacy. Now, when that word comes into our awareness, we tend to think of intimacy with another human. Even sex. But I stayed in the observer as she whispered the word. I inquired her gently to express. She told me she wanted intimacy. Into-me-I-see. Seen deeply. Felt deeply.

When she said this, a wave of warmth entered her and rose up through my body. My field expanded, and it felt as though the sun was shining from the inside out.

Lit.

As I sat with her in this desire, she showed me allowing my depth to be seen and fully felt by others. Now, this isn’t a problem for me. This is her desire. So I sat with it. It felt delicious. I am a deep person. There is no depth that I won’t go. There is no depth that is too much or too deep. I relish in it. It feels like home. A familiar space that I could simply swim in all day, every day.

There have been many times that my partner struggles to hold my depth. Because with him, I go deep. I don’t hold back. I can feel the discomfort come into his body. He begins to fidget. Clear his throat. His attention waivers. He shifts in his seat. If I continue, he will withdraw his energy and his emotions. I can feel his field pull back.

In me, I simply pause. I no longer feel the need to retract myself, and simultaneously, I can respect his inability to continue. I hold the line. I hold the presence. If he can soften and meet me again, I will continue. If not, I will simply hold myself in the depth.

Like I’m at the bottom of the ocean, in the dark, cold water all by myself. Feeling the pressure of the ocean on all sides of my body. She meets me there. The ocean never pulls away.

Few can go there and feel comfortable. Feel safe. Because in that depth is exposure. An exposure of every thought, feeling, and story we have ever experienced. If you haven’t looked at them, met them, then they will feel uncomfortable to you. The protector/controller within you will want to pull back. Keep you safe. But in this glorious exposure is where you truly meet Creation. Not as an idea, but in communion.

Visceral. Felt. And ultimately embodied.

Years ago, I’m not sure how I would have felt when my womb told me she desired to be seen and felt at the depth of our existence. I might have contracted. I might have felt unsafe. Stories of pain, rejection, not enough might have surfaced and reminded me why I don’t allow anyone to see me.

But now, in the level of embodiment that I exist, it felt delicious. Alive.

I felt my inner child jumping with joy at the idea of new friends. New connections. New people to play and enjoy life with.

Intimacy.

But what most people don’t realize about intimacy is that you have to first be willing to see yourself. To go to the depths of the memories, feelings, and beliefs that you reject, deny, and avoid.

Intimacy is personal. Into-me-I-see.

To see yourself as the imperfect human that you are. To see yourself as the Divine light that will always be. And to allow those to exist simultaneously. Because then, and only then, can they unify.

One.

And from there, you are able to hold that depth for yourself and for others. You are able to see and feel others far beyond what they are able to do for themselves.

And this gift, this is the gift that humanity has forgotten. And yet it is the gift that will bring us all back together. Because as AI comes heavily into our world, the ability to feel and see each other will have no choice but to return.

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